IF there is one quintessential rule in any music genre - but especially in metal - it is to get yourself a memorable name. And only the stupidest person would deny that 7.5 Tonnes of Beard is a memorable name.
The next rule is to get yourself some damn good music. And sometimes the more extreme that music the better.
7.5 Tonnes début release 'Denied The Basics' landed in the Belfastmetalheadsreunited mailbox with a thud that registered on the Richter Scale. It has more sludge than a blocked sewer pipe, and more doom than Satanists denied their anti-depressants. 7.5 Tonnes of Beard deliver edgy brutality that will not only kill your neighbours lawn in that time-honoured Motorhead phrase, but will clear the neighbourhood of all fauna and flora of a nervous disposition.
This is five tracks of hell for easy-listening rock fans.
Openers Grit and Shallow Man, with their down-tuned slow torture meld into a drudge of deathly howls, with Micky Higgins voice sounding as if in pain and forced to gargle acid.
Guitars here are instruments that the Spanish Inquisition would find extract confessions aplenty from the most recalcitrant of sinners. And the lyrics...well we know some tender hearts read our blog but face-eating is here, amongst other dystopian jewels of horror.
At times there is little here to make reference to, and we dug out some old Crass and yep, there are similarities, but they are passing: Crass were never this intense.
For those that may think after a couple of spins that 7.5 Tonnes of Beard are a one-trick pony, there are subtleties in the terror, with closer Sign of the Cross having more dynamics than most bands playing doom could imagine.
The combination of Coles and Adger on drum and bass respectively lay down a solid core of constant shifting immensity, over which Higgins returns to his tortured wails before the tone and tempo shift downwards as this seven and a half epic from 7.5 Tonnes of Beard draws to a discordant close...
This is music that would persuade that persuade the TV psychopath Dexter to move from Miami and find somewhere darker to ply his deadly trade.
This is music that will strip the souls of the innocents from their sunshine hearts.
This is music that lays bare the dark core in the heart of each human.
And we love it!