If you have an IQ over 75 and watch X-Factor shoot yoursellf

SERIOUSLY - if you have an IQ over 75 and watch X-Factor shoot yourself! Or at the very least shoot your computer and give your 'Smartphone' an acid bath.

Here's a fact for you numpties: the advertisers, those sons of Satan grubbing their way into your souls, judge the success of TV on the basis of how many people tweet or update. Media agencies cancel shows when not enough people are tweeting about them.

I mean go and f*ck away off! X-Factor is an off-cut from the mechanically recovered meat of TV entertainment while the real talent, real musicians, artists, scientists are left hanging on the butcher's hook, unwanted; their intellectual muscle forever untasted...

Next week I will have the joy of watching a series of actual, real life, talented musicians. Stiff Little Finges, Loaded, The Answer and Therapy?

I will not be approaching my televisual remote control to watch the 'reality' shows, unless it is to switch over to a music channel or something that might stimulate me to THINK. Go on try it! You think about it for a minute: formulaic fodder for the masses, with cynical executives rubbing their hands as they grub around for another pound of your hard earned cash. Advertising is paid for by you! When you buy their tasteless tat, or have banks sucking cash from you that's you paying for the ads as the bastards hope to get more of the money you earn so it can pay the salaries of those that use every trick in the book to avoid paying tax: yeah they won't pay tax, but when they've a heart attack at their over-priced gym it is your tax money that pays for the paramedic, the emergency department's nurses, doctors and staff, because you pay tax. Every pay packet, every bottle of buorbon, every 10-deck of ciggies, every CD, you're paying tax: they're not.

How has this world, this island come to the state where hard rock and heavy metal is sneered at by prats who idolise the pro-tooled vacuous pretty boys and girls with their sampled drum lines, backing dancers and destruction of the nations brains. They stand accused of murdering songs penned by people who knew what a tune was, how to write and how to perform. Their guilt is apparent to all who watch...

So, what prompted this outburst. Moving languidly to the kitchen to retrieve a stray beer, lest it got lost and failed to make it to my hand, I switched on ye olde transistor radio; BBC Radio 5 Live to be precise. A popular radio presenter from these parts moved from a serious story about standards of care for older people to a report on the X-Factor - in the language these so-called people will understand I thought...WTF!

There then followed a debate that included a snippet of some brain-dead person destroying The Clash's Should I Stay or Should I Go. No intonation, no concept of the song's central themes. Nothing. The debate included one bampot saying that Gary Barlow had been brought to the X-Factor as, and I quote the no-dick nonentity here, "an incredibly authoritative figure". WHAT! He sang in a boy band that was managed within an inch of its life: over-dubbed, studio toned, mimed live and definitely not authoritative. Christopher Hitchens, Richard Attenborough, to name but two, are authoritative. Gary feckin Barlow is a product for pre-teen girls and their middle aged mothers to give air to maternal instincts while hoping he actually has a dick and not some genitalia recepticle for more money.

C'mon people of the UK and Ireland: let's hunt down the executives and producers of this twaddle and ship them off to Rockall, a tiny almost inaccessible island off the north coast. Dump them there and they can live in bird shit and seaweed til they confess the error of their ways.

Right, sorry this is a music blog. But this penchat for people with even a smidgeon of intelligence to watch this dipshit show while Cowell (or to give him his full title as revealed by Jake Burns of SLF, that c**t Cowell) counts his millions and prays for a Christmas Number One because he really, really doesn't have enough money.

Do you think he'd ever, ever think about listening, let alone backing one of the many, unsigned but immensely talented hard rock and heavy metal acts pounding the boards in Norn Iron. Would he feck! Would he back any actual musician? Not unless its the session musos earning peanuts to back talentless musicians.

But you know what's even worse? Pseudo intellectuals trying to rationalise X-Factor, Strictly Wankers Dancing, or Britain's Got Talent (which on the evidence to date it does not have talent on prime time TV shows). These self-same so-called smart people then have their giggle, their tweets and move on to praise some shoe-gazing sweetie eating arsehole. If they have a conscience they'd be calling a care line to have the contestants counselled and referred to a psychiatrist.

I've been listening today in the car and on ye olde computer to Anthrax, Trucker Diablo, Machine Head, Mastodon, Last Known Addiction, Stone Sour, Trivium, Dogs D'Amour, Nightwish and Manowar (random shuffle on iPod!). Now these X-Factor watching numpties will snigger at the growling vocals, the wall-of-noise and worse will guffaw at Manowar. They know nothing, they're worth nothing. Manowar, for all the over-blown theatrics, obsession with deafening a generation and over-the-top attitude are head and shoulders above these non-entities clogging the airwaves and causing previously intelligent people to tweet about this drivel.

A few weeks ago I raised a beer in memory of Cliff Burton, who died just over 25 years ago. I had the honour of seeing Mr Burton perform twice (Donington in the Ulster Hall). This was a bassist who knew his way aroung Bach, Lyrnyrd Skynyrd, The Misfits and Rush. This was a man whose time signatures confused atomic clocks and Danish drummers. Do you think Mr Burton or Johann Sebastian Bach would be enamoured by X-Factor? No, they'd be grabbing the nearest semi-automatic weapon and sending Cowell and his 'friends' back to Satan with the message 'Do Not Return'.

Here's another useless wee fact for you: scientists have begun to work out how quantum physics is at work when the transistors in your radio and older televisions receive power. Do you think Cowell and co would ever think of broadcasting something about how physics, chemistry or another science actually matters? Do you think they'd ever do a show on how modern medicine and pharmacological advances use cutting edge biological understanding and micro-electronics has changed the way we perceive disease? Next time you're in hospital whether seeing and ultra-sound of your unborn child, or watching a sick relative receive an fMRI scan the diagnosis from which may help save their life, spare a thought for X-Factor. They scanned the brains of contestants and the resulting CT scan showed no cerebral activity. They scanned the brain of Rob Flynn of Machine Head to understand how the lyrics of The Darkness Within came about, but the radiographer's mind was too frazzled by Strictly and X-Factor that their head melted.

I'm not even drunk yet and that one snippet of a radio show has got me so enraged! Hell, I checked my Twitter feed and couldn't find a single thing of real importance such as football (side jokes welcome) for all the people going on about X-Factor. Yes, BBC presenter who does shows on a Sunday you know who you are! And, yes one massive supporter of local hard rock talent, you know who you are.

Right here, right now, pledge to boycott X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent, Strictly..or whatever twaddle the ratings hounds want you to empty your brain to.  You have brains, use them.

That is all....apart from this...

I and those about me do not advocate suicide in any way. This post has a satirical note and if you take it seriously then you really have problems. And as to shooting yourself, you may have difficulty procuring a gun: as we have a current issue in Norn Iron with 'dissident' terrorists/gangsters, they may willingly shoot you thereby removing your stupid tweets once and for all as well as keeping the terrorists/gangsters from hurting anyone else (satire, people, satire: see: Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce, Folks on the Hill etc for further information)